I get it.  This type of thing is NOT easy.  It’s not easy for me, and I know it’s not easy for you (the “you” being anyone out there reading this that knows me and is forced to communicate/interact with me, i.e. friends and family).  I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last nine months regarding what I would say to someone in this, or a similar, situation.  I know that I would probably never say the right thing; not because I don’t have the best of intentions, but because it’s uncomfortable and awkward and pressure-filled and you want it to be perfect and it’s just not going to be.

Unfortunately, I have two close friends that have experienced similar situations as me, and another great friend who has recently written about this topic on her blog (www.wurtthewait.com).  Over the past few months, I have been going through the process of figuring out what I need:  what is helpful and what is not.  From my experiences and also my fabulous sources, I have attempted to compile a “How to Navigate a Grieving Mommy” conversation.

So, on behalf of mommies everywhere who have lost their babies, I’d like to offer some advice.  {Fair warning:  I apologize in advance if you find what you are about to read as hurtful, abrupt, brash, etc.  It is the absolute honest truth, as everything else has been in this blog.  I hope you still like me just the same after reading.}

• Keep the support coming! On behalf of all grieving mommies, we are positively overwhelmed by a wonderful outpouring of love and support.  While our journeys are still in progress, we appreciate your continued support and prayers.
• (Please) Don’t tell me how hard this is for you. Please don’t tell me that it’s hard for you to see me, talk to me, read my blog, etc.  Even if this is the case, this is something that mommies like me would like for you to keep to yourself.  We are very sorry that it is hard for you, but until you’ve walked a mile in our shoes, it’s probably best to keep those thoughts to yourself.
• Don’t assume that anything will be the same or “go back to normal”. Just because as a family you’ve “always celebrated this mommy’s birthday by going to the same restaurant” or you “always go to Grandma’s on Christmas Eve” – THINGS HAVE CHANGED.  My friend Courtney said, “people need to know that you’ve made progress. As if they need you to feel better so they can feel better…particularly with close friends and family that want you to be normal again. I get it:  no one wants me to be normal again more than I do- but I’m not going to be my same self because this has changed me forever.”  She was talking about it in a different context (regarding grief), but it also applies to this situation.  My advice is to take cues from the person who has experienced the loss.  Do not assume anything.  Do not make decisions for them.  DO ask them what they want (or don’t want).
• It’s not about you. I’m sorry, but it’s just not.  Please do not make these mommies feel bad because you don’t feel like you’re getting what you need/want/deserve.  What they (we) are dealing with is tremendous, and they (we) deserve it to be about them (us) for awhile.  While we understand that it’s extremely hard for people that love us have to watch us go through difficulties, we humbly ask that you continue to support what the mommies need, which is just your love and support.  And, those three women that have suffered (and have contributed to this post), ALWAYS make it about everyone else.  They are the most selfless women I know.  So for as long as they need, they (we…ME) get to grieve and manifest that grief however they need to.
• It’s OK if you don’t say anything at all (on the topic of losing my baby). Chances are, I know that you know what happened.  That said, it’s totally OK if you don’t say anything on the topic.  I know that you know and it’s perfectly fine if you don’t address it with me outright.  I won’t think that you’re rude or dismissive and go cry about it in the bathroom.  I will appreciate you and love you just the same.
• On the flip side, be cautious of saying too much. You don’t have to go into stories of people that you know in similar situations (also echoed by my panel of “expert” friends).  Preferably, please don’t.  Additionally, it hasn’t been helpful for me to hear what other people will miss out on by not knowing my baby.  I need to figure out how to heal and navigate through those feelings, and I’m still very early in my journey in that regard.
• (Please) Don’t tell me how hard it is to be a mother/father. I am jealous of mothers/fathers that grow tired of constantly cleaning, feeding, changing diapers, or sleepless nights.  My sleepless nights are filled with tears, prayers and feelings of defeat over how incredibly hard it is to not be a mother/father. I know the role is difficult, but be thankful. You’re blessed.  (Almost all of that was stolen from www.wurtthewait.com)

In closing, I’m going to quote Courtney again because she said it better than I ever could:  “It’s just not easy for anyone involved.  Often I don’t even know what I need myself, let alone be able to ask someone for help. It’s complex and it’s messy. But I think the simplest and kindest words of support might be, ‘I am sad with you, and I love you.’”