Hurting and healing go hand-in-hand.  You hurt and then you heal, and then you hurt some more and heal some more…and by “you” I mean me, because I can’t speak for everyone.  The first part of “Hurting and Healing” will be about hurting.  Unfortunately, hurting is a very real thing which garners very real emotions; emotions, thoughts and feelings that I would like to share with whoever is out there reading.

I won’t know my daughter.

I don’t know what my daughter would be like.  I don’t know what would make her tick, what would get her excited or scared or happy or sad.  Would she be creative or athletic?  Would she be both?  Would she be sarcastic like her mommy?  Would she be mild-mannered and sweet like her daddy?  Would she have a passion for learning?  Would she hate school?  Would she be a Christian?  I won’t even know what she will look like at different points in her life.

I don’t know what my daughter would like.  What would she like?  Would she like sports or shopping?  Would she like dance or basketball?  Would she like the Colts or the Patriots?  (She would obviously like the Kentucky Wildcats so that’s not even in question.)  Would she like math or English?  Would she like to travel like her mommy and daddy?  Would she love animals?  (That one is also a given — she would love Sawyer & Hank!)

I won’t know what would make her laugh or make her smile.  Would she laugh at absolutely everything like me?  Or would she be like her father and genuinely laugh when something is really, really funny?  Would she be ticklish?  Would she laugh when she’s actually sad?  Would she cry when she’s happy?  Would her smile light up a room?  Would she need braces to perfect her smile?  Would she laugh so hard she pees in her pants, like her mommy?  Would she double over from laughing so hard like her daddy?  Would she be happy?

I won’t know what would make her sad or what would make her cry.  Would she cry when she gets a bad grade in school?  Would she cry when a boy breaks up with her?  Would she be sad and cry when she struck out in the bottom of the 9th with two outs and runners in scoring position when her team was losing?  Fortunately, none of these earthly things will ever make her cry, but I wonder about what those little tears would look like streaming down her face before I wiped them off and gave her my shoulders to lean on.

All of my friends are having kids.

So not all of my friends are having kids, but a lot of them are, and a lot of them already have.  When we struggled with being unable to conceive and friends of mine were getting pregnant very easily, I was sad.  I was the one that had been married for five years and I was the one who had been trying to have a baby for awhile.  I have never, ever resented or been upset with any of my friends (I hope my friends read that statement and believe it!).  I have never been anything but overjoyed for those friends.  And then, when it was my turn to be pregnant and have babies with them, I was on cloud nine.  I was excited to start planning (in my head) what our life would be like with our baby and our friends’ babies.

Then, well, you know what happened, and all of those ideas stopped.  Our next child (God-willing) will be a year, if not more, younger than my friends’ first children.  They’ll be moved on to walking and talking and play dates with new friends, and we’ll just be starting on our baby journey.  Those have all been thoughts that have gone through my mind at one point or another.  They are things that I need to work through in this hurting process.  I don’t really believe most of what my mind tells me, but it still tells me those things nonetheless.

I don’t want to wait to have another baby.

Selfishly, I want to get this show on the road.  No, I don’t know if my mind and heart are ready for it.  No, I don’t know if my body is physically ready for it.  And no, I don’t know that my body will allow me to conceive naturally.  No, I don’t know if I will start on my medicine again.  I honestly have no idea what to expect moving forward.  If it’s all about me, I don’t want to wait.  But we still have not made decisions as to how we are going to tackle this beast.  (And it is a hormonal, moody, emotional beast!)

I know this is hard.

Believe me– I know this is hard to read.  It’s hard to write!  And it’s hard to live it.  I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading and sticking through this with me (and Charles).  Your support and prayers continue to strengthen us on our hurting and healing journey.  I promise Part II, “Healing”, will not be as much of a Debbie Downer as this post.  (Healing will include happy thoughts and fun pictures of some of the cool things we’ve done for our baby in the last 2.5 months.)

Today has been 10 weeks to the day that we met our angel and we haven’t stopped thinking about her for a minute since.