While most of my friends (and pregnant women, in general) are planning for their nurseries and baby showers, I was doing a different kind of planning during the pregnancy.  I was planning for an inevitable funeral and burial.  I made “End of Life” arrangements in our perfectly pink (currently) office that was supposed to be a little girl’s nursery.  Yes, it’s completely backwards.  Yes, it was hard.  Yes, it wasn’t fair.  But, I was going to do it the best that I could because it was all for my baby.

I had NO idea what to do to plan for a funeral and burial.  Fortunately, POB gave me contact information for the Women’s Health Specialist at the hospital.  This lady rocks.  This lady was my saving grace throughout the entire process of being at the hospital, and gave me guidance regarding what we should do when the time comes that our baby passes.  We knew what funeral home we would work with, but this lady gave me things to think about that I definitely had not thought of — where will she be buried?  do you want someone to take pictures in the hospital?  what will she wear?  Where she would be buried was the most prominent question (the others we could decide more easily).  The Antiochian Village has been a special place for both Charles and me for a very long time, and we thought of the possibility of burying AJ there so that she would always be in the most special place in the world.  But as time went on and we thought more about it, we decided to have AJ buried here, in Louisville, for a few reasons.  The main reason, and deciding factor, being that we could visit her any time we wanted.  We also chose a cemetery that has a section dedicated to infants, and they conduct a prayer service once a month for these beautiful babies.  About a month before our induction date, we had the “big” decisions made — not what color her nursery would be or what crib we would buy or what she would wear home from the hospital — just different kinds of decisions.

We were discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, September 24th, and had made appointments the next day to meet with the funeral home and cemetery.  This was easily a day I could feel sorry for myself.  It was easy to think, “Who comes home from the hospital without a baby and is planning their funeral?”  Discussing the details was definitely hard, but we were in the best care possible.  Each person we met with that day had experienced some sort of infant loss themselves.  While that didn’t make us feel better, it made us realize that we aren’t alone.  The funeral was set for Friday and after our appointments were over, the next big decision was:  what the heck is this postpartum body going to wear?!

Admittedly, I took anti-anxiety medication the morning of the funeral.  I had no idea what to expect of the day, and I didn’t want to completely lose it, so I took some precautionary measures.  Our immediate families only arrived outside the church that morning, and processed inside, following the casket carried by our brothers.  Along with our family, we were so blessed to have Fr. Michael Nasser with us to lay our daughter to rest.  He has been there for the both of us for a really long time, especially during our pregnancy, and it meant the world to us that he was able to be there on that day.  (You can see him in the background of the photo below.)

At this point (and pretty much throughout the day) everything seemed unbelievably surreal — like, what is happening?  what are we doing here?  The service was beautiful, although I don’t remember too many details.  I stood with Charles, crying, and well, crying.  It was hard to focus on what exactly was going on around me because I was just focusing on my baby girl laying in front of me.  The service went by very fast for me, of course, and that meant that my time with AJ actually in my presence was getting shorter.  Just as we processed into the church, we processed out following the casket.  (We are also indebted to our dear friends and cousins, Steve Jacobs and Mark Najjar, for chanting at the funeral; we love you both and are so thankful for you!)

AJ rode to the cemetery in the backseat of my dad’s car with me while Charles rode up front.  She was so peacefully wrapped in a hat and blanket that Charles’ grandmother knitted for her.  She was comfortable and warm, and that was what was important to me.  I sat in the backseat stroking her face and talking to her.  I was terrified to officially say goodbye to my little girl, even though her earthly body was just a reminder of her.  She was no longer with us.  She was truly safe, warm, comfortable and peaceful.  “…and to think, when their little eyes opened, the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus.”  (Stolen from a friend – thanks, Court!)

We recited brief prayers at the graveside before AJ was buried.  I wanted to stay until the bitter end – until I couldn’t stay with her any longer.  My irrational human fear did not want her to be left alone.  As our families were walking to their cars, Charles and I sat by the grave, along with our priest, while they lowered the casket and filled in the dirt.  As we were sitting, a Monarch Butterfly flew over our heads and landed on her grave! (About a month prior, the same thing happened at my cousin’s burial at the cemetery – a Monarch Butterfly!)  This was, of course, another moment of God showing us his presence in our lives.  And, in true “creator of the universe” fashion, AJ was named after St. Alexandra the Queen (royalty, monarchy), and the color granite we picked for her grave marker was called “Monarch Pink”.  (There was also a paper butterfly in her flower arrangement!)  This was not a coincidence; this was God reminding us of our angel AJ everywhere we went…and everywhere we will go with her.

In true Arab fashion, it was all about the food after the funeral.  We had a delicious meal, thanks to our families, and then napped for a really long time.

**It is one month to the day today that we gave birth to our angel.  We miss her more and more everyday, and love her more everyday, too.  Memory Eternal, Alexandra Jude!  Mommy and Daddy love you!**