I told myself (and some other people) that if I ever started a blog to discuss my pregnancy, I would call it “Minute by Minute”.  But, here we are, and that is not the title of this blog (obviously).  To make a long story short, the title of the blog came about for 2 reasons:  ease of access (for those that would say, “Now what was that website again?” {no offense}), and so that people would somewhat have an idea of what the blog was about from the URL.  Since that’s out of the way, I’ll continue my post called “The Last 7 Months” and begin to discuss (begin being the operative word) the emotions behind the facts I shared a couple of weeks ago.

“Minute by Minute” has been our motto from the very beginning in learning of our situation.  I learned rather quickly that I cannot take anything in larger than “minute” chunks; no hours, days, weeks, months, years, etc…maybe “second by second” would be more accurate.  

I remember sitting in the waiting room at POB’s (primary OB) office with Charles and my parents at our 12 week appointment.  Like I mentioned before, it was Holy Thursday afternoon.  I also remember having an odd feeling while sitting there waiting.  Nervousness, anxiousness, and excitement were all present (as I’m sure in any expectant mother), but there was just something else that I couldn’t put my finger on.  The Ultrasound Tech at POB is wonderful; even though she had seen something odd on the monitor, she was still carrying on a normal conversation with my dad until it was time to get POB.  After talking in the hallway, the two of them returned and POB began describing what she saw.  I don’t even think I reacted because I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, and that my breath had been taken away, literally.  We rushed around the office getting blood tests and our appointment with MFM (the specialist) set-up, and for the minutes in between those events, I had a few teary eyes, but the emotional flood gates had not yet been lifted.

Charles and I had driven separately and on my way home I cried my eyes out.  This was the point when all the emotion from the past hour had been released into the universe; endless tears welled up in, and poured out of, my eyes.  I had all of the worst possible humanly thoughts run through my head that afternoon like, “Why should I eat and nourish this baby when she’s going to die anyway?” and “I can drink alcohol because my baby’s health doesn’t matter anymore.”  (I warned you that I was going to be completely honest.)  But instead of deliberately not eating and having a cocktail, I went straight to bed when I got home; my safe zone – the place where I feel relaxed and the most comfortable.  Charles laid with me while I cried.  We talked to both of our parents throughout the afternoon, but it it mainly consisted crying and napping on and off.  At one point I heard Charles moving around in the other room, and then what sounded like crying noises.  The poor guy had been so strong for me that he didn’t even want to cry in front of me.  I “scolded” him for doing that and asked him to come cry in front of me, because that was OK.  Anything and everything we were feeling, and would feel, was OK.  (Later, my cousin Marek told me that it was OK to feel however I wanted to feel throughout this journey.  I’m so thankful for that message because it was really something I needed to hear.  That whatever I was feeling was OK.)

Also, throughout the afternoon and evening, I ate almost an entire box of Raisin Bran and watched Pitch Perfect and Bridesmaids (movies to make me laugh, of course).  My dad came over (to distract me) and we went for a car ride.  When he needed gas, I got a red Gatorade and Birthday Cake M&Ms (because why not?).  And that was our day on April 17, 2014.

I know a lot of people reading may be asking if I was/am angry with God…or any related questions along those lines.  I can honestly and truthfully say that at no point throughout this journey have I had any ill-feelings toward God.  

Do I like the situation?  No.  Is it life?  Yes.  Is life fair?  No.  

My father-in-law told me that our faith has been nurtured our whole lives – through going to church growing up, Sunday School, the Village, our friends and family.  And now that our faith is being tested, all of those things that have been cultivated inside of us are now manifesting as our faith when that is put to the test.  A lady from church told me that I am like an egg:  whenever I get put in hot water, I firm up (thanks, Laura!).  I definitely do not have the same impression of myself, but I know that it is not all me – it is the faith and strength that God has armed me with to carry my baby.  I couldn’t do any of this without Him, so if I turned my back on Him, and I think things are crazy now, where would I really be?!

At this point, I’m making the executive decision to split this topic into multiple posts…or I could be here all night writing and you could be here all night reading 😉  Part II of “Minute by Minute” (aka “Emotions”) will follow shortly.  

To wrap it up for the evening, we welcome the month of September as it is the month we will be meeting our baby girl (yay!).  Charles and I will also celebrate our FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY (yep, you read that right!  Five years!) on Saturday.  Finally, I’ll leave you with a picture of me at 32 weeks pregnant since I don’t have that many more to go.  

Happy FIVE Year Anniversary, Charles!

Me at 32 weeks with my angel friend, Carson, at 37 weeks with Baby Boy Lawrence.